How To Be Authentic Even When You Aren’t
I have a problem being authentic.
Conventional wisdom tells us authenticity means being "true to yourself."
Could someone please explain what that actually means?
Sometimes, I'm authentically a massive jerk. My truest self is selfish.
I get frustrated, tired, and hungry.
What should I do when my ego authentically takes over? Should I show my "truest self" in those moments? Or should I fake it till I make it?
Let's agree; Faking it is not an acceptable strategy when seeking to be authentic.
Let's see if we can't cut this idea open and extract the truth.
Doctor, it's time for surgery:
A few weeks ago, I was in agonizing pain. My neck and shoulder blades felt like they were on fire, I had a lightning storm rolling through my left arm, and my left hand could barely move.
Like a kink in a water hose, a disc in my neck was keeping the nerves from sending information to my arm and hand. I was in desperate need of relief.
I went to the specialist, got an X-Ray, MRI, and met with the surgeon. The first plan of action was a spinal injection. We hoped administering a steroid would ease the inflammation enough to put off surgery for a couple months. Sadly, the injection failed. No relief ad no money-back guarantee. The only option was surgery.
After two weeks of suffering, surgery day finally arrived.
As it turns out, they don't make hospital gowns for 6'7 people. That's another story for another time…
I arrived early, got prepped by the physician's assistant, met with the anesthesiologist, Nuro team, and was wheeled toward the operating room.
As I was being pushed down the hall, I felt a sense of fear wash over me. Not because I didn't have faith in my surgeon. He was the most competent person on the East Coast to conduct this procedure.
My fear was more about how his day was going. What if he had a fight with his wife this morning? What if he's anxious about something? What if he's tired? What if he doesn't like the anesthesiologist? What if he doesn't feel like operating today? What if he authentically doesn't want to be here?
Because he's human, I knew that all those emotions were possible.
Despite the possibilities, I expected him to perform the procedure to the best of his ability. I expected him to be 100% present and at maximum competency. How he was feeling didn't matter to me, and it shouldn't matter to him. Not while he's conducting this surgery.
After they stitched me up, washed his hands, changed his clothes, and walked out of the hospital, he could deal with the challenges of the day. But while he had a scalpel to the back of my neck, I expected his absolute best.
I suspect anyone in my position would have expected the same thing. Wouldn't you?
If we expect that level of behavior from a surgeon, what would prevent us from living that out in our own lives?
Fortunately, my surgeon lived up to his responsibility and performed the surgery at his highest competency. When I woke up, the lightning storm was gone, and my hand was back to normal. All that was left to do was recover. The procedure was a success.
It may seem like common sense to expect a surgeon to put everything aside and be fully present when performing surgery. But do we hold ourselves to the same standard of authenticity?
How often do we let our minds drift away from our bodies and go back to places in the past or skip ahead to theories of the future?
Depression: An excessive obsession with the past.
Anxiety: An excessive obsession with the future.
The only way to have an appropriate relationship with time is to be with yourself in the present moment.
Our body and mind must be in the same place simultaneously, just like my surgeon.
If not, we lose the opportunity to be authentic personally and professionally.
You might wonder,
What does authenticity have to do with being present?
Authenticity is having the wisdom to honestly interrogate our past, genuinely evaluate how it's informed who we are today, and use that information to proactively plan who we strive to become in the future.
To say it more succinctly, what characteristics are you committed to regardless of your circumstances.
<aside> 🎯 I will be who I've decided to be no matter what stands before me.
</aside>
Respond To Your Reaction
I have a friend who's deathly allergic to peanuts. A few years ago, he accidentally ate a cookie containing peanuts. His body had an immediate reaction. He began to swell, his throat tightened, and his breathing labored.
He rushed out to his car, grabbed an EpiPen, and smashed the injection into his leg. Almost immediately, his body began to respond. The swelling decreased, and his airways opened up.
The response of the medication mitigated the reaction.
Authenticity is like my friend's peanut allergy. We don't get to choose the things that cause us to react like a nut. We all have things that make our emotions swell, and our chests tighten. We don't get to pick our emotional allergies. But, we get to choose the response we inject into the situation.
Had my friend not proactively brought his EpiPen with him that day, the allergic reaction would've overtaken him, and the outcome could have been fatal.
What is your proverbial EpiPen? What type of responses do you bring with you?
I guarantee you already know someone in your personal or professional life who will frustrate you within the next week. You know who it is, and you probably even know what they will do. And, even though you already know, you'll allow it to cause an adverse emotional reaction. Why let it happen? Wouldn't it be better to prepare for it now, so you've already chosen a response? If you choose to have the discipline & self-awareness to premeditate your response, it will save you time and energy.
We choose whether to be held captive by our emotional reactions or freed by our responses.
Take your meds
If friends and family were asked to describe you, what would you want them to say?
For me, I hope they'd use words like kind, caring, compassionate, resilient, and creative.
My desire is to consistently demonstrate these characteristics even (and especially) when they don't feel like my most "authentic self" in the moment.
If you love those who love you, what credit is that? - Jesus
Isn't it easy to love loving people? To be kind to those who are kind? To be respectful to those who are respectful?
The genuine test of our authenticity isn't when it's easy but when it's difficult.
What are the words you'd like to be known for?
This prescription for authenticity requires two primary things; Self-Awareness & Self-Control.
Self-Awareness
What are you proud of?
When the chips were down, you rose to the occasion. You fought hard, loved well, and did the honorable thing.
What are you ashamed of?
You folded, gave up, gave in, and dishonored yourself and those you love.
We all live on this spectrum. Sometimes, we're proud of ourselves; other times, we aren't.
Self-awareness admits we aren't completely good, and we aren't completely bad.
Let's be honest about who we've been, who we are, and who we seek to become.
Who was I yesterday?
Who am I today?
Who will I be tomorrow?
Be honest about it. Really honest. The kind of honesty that makes your palms sweaty, knees weak, and arms heavy.
As a coach, I often feel the need to appear that I have it all figured out. After all, who wants a coach who's as screwed up as they are?
As it turns out, lots of people.
After more than a decade of coaching, speaking, and facilitating, I've learned people connect through vulnerability more than victory.
When someone is too perfect, we get suspicious. And we usually end up being right. The people who appear the most perfect often have the darkest secrets.
With the help of therapy, mentors, and study, I've made meaningful progress in this area.
Here's an excellent first step if you're willing to do the work.
On a sheet of paper, answer the questions below:
What is the best way to handle stress?
What is the best way to handle conflict?
What is the best way to ensure you stay as healthy as possible?
What is the best way to love well?
What is the best way to ensure you don't spend too much time on your phone?
Now that you've answered the questions above, Here's the final question:
<aside> ❔ If it were illegal to do the things you wrote above, would a prosecutor be able to find enough evidence to convict you?
</aside>
After thinking about that for a moment, are you feeling convicted? I do.
At my worst:
I let the stress in my life impact my attitude, and I take it out on the people I say I love most.
I'm vindictive when I feel I've been wronged.
I eat ice cream at 11:00pm to medicate the day's stress.
I think about work while I pretend to play with my kids.
When the day is over, I bring my phone with me intending to continue working instead of focusing on spending time with my family.
Self-awareness is hard, but the juice is worth the squeeze. If we want to truly demonstrate authenticity, self-awareness is foundational.
Self-Control
The questions we must ask to recognize our ability to control ourselves:
Do I have the courage to hold myself to a standard?
Am I willing to be who I've decided to be, even when it's tough?
Am I ready to regularly evaluate my attitude and actions and make changes when necessary?
Will I pursue progress, not perfection?
Progress over perfection:
It's okay to make a mistake. It's not okay to make the same mistake over and over.
Perfection is the thief of progress.
Instead of holding yourself to an unrealistic standard, celebrate the small wins.
Dale Carnegie advised, "Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement."
Our greatest power
"Our greatest power is the power to choose." - William James
Let's choose to bring awareness to the gap between what we say we believe and what we do.
Final thought:
Authenticity is being true to yourself if, and only if, you've decided the type of person you will be. If you haven't, your actions and emotions will change faster than gas prices.
Be the person who decides to be the person they want to be.