Intellectually, we know that the same behaviors create the same results.

That isn't always how we live our lives, though. We get stuck, frustrated, and disenfranchised by the results (or lack thereof) we have in our life. 

And… We remain trapped in our old comfortable (yet self-defeating) thoughts and behaviors. 

We fail to realize how connected our outcomes are to our mental, emotional and spiritual selves. I have found (on many occasions) when I dishonor one of these pillars; the result is pain. 

Sometimes through damaged relationships, other times loss, and most often, it's the mental anguish that comes with regret.

I foolishly try to cure my disease with the same poison.

Pride, ego, and criticism (of myself and others) poisons to my growth. Then, I tell myself a story about my circumstance that makes me both the victim and the hero.

The thing I have to constantly and consistently remind myself of is that more of the disease is never the cure. 

If we want change, that's exactly what we must do. 

Change.

They have a problem, and you have the answer. If they listened to you, their life would be better, and they (and everyone else) would know how wise and kind (and humble) you are.

But, is that what happens??? Of course not.

So, how can we contribute to the lives of those we care about when they aren't willing to take our advice?

Here are a few tricks that have helped me as a coach:

Don't tell people what they should or should not do

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. — Dale Carnegie

Every person (without exception) has a depository of wisdom just waiting to be discovered.

Instead of sharing our wisdom with other people, perhaps, we should be more focused on discovering the wisdom inside us and helping others uncover the wisdom that already exists inside them.

I read a Medium article the other day by Kyle Seagraves titled, 8 Powerfully Potent Communication Techniques. This quote caught my attention:

Influence is found in the questions you ask rather than the knowledge you speak. — Kyle Seagraves

Here are some questions you might ask to help someone uncover an answer that's already inside them:

• What do you already know to be true about this situation?

• What would a wise person do in this situation?

• What do you make of that?

• What could you do to improve this situation?

• If you were asked to give a friend advice in this exact situation, what would you tell them?

Help them have a conversation

My friend Jason Goldberg (also an outstanding coach and my non-religious Jewish Rabbi) taught me that great coaching doesn't happen when I facilitate a transformational conversation between myself and my client.

Great coaching is when I help my client have a transformational conversation with themself. -JG

I am not there to be the guru, the sage, or Yoda. My responsibility is to hold space for them, be present, and help them access the wisdom within.

Detach from the outcome.

It's easy to get so tied up in the outcome that we lose sight of the most crucial part of helping people, the action.

As my friend Mark says,

Action reveals answers. — Mark Kinsley

As a coach, what they know is not nearly as important as the action they take. The best way to be helpful is to encourage people to take action—even the smallest steps matter.

Whether you're a coach, parent, friend, or family member, these three tips will help you as you help people go further, faster.

What if you woke up tomorrow and realized you had complete control over your life?

What would you do?

Would you re-create the life that you had yesterday, or would you create something new?

One of the things I love most about being a coach is helping people realize they have more authority over their lives and their outcomes than they give themself credit.

Many people believe that their choices are limited. They are bound by their circumstances and past decisions. Although there is some truth to that, it's never the final answer.

We all have two choices:

We can ride the momentum of our circumstances. 

OR

Create our own wave. 

If you want to create your own momentum, you can't do it passively. You can't just think about it, or hope for it, or even pray about it. You have to DO something.

Here are a couple of ideas:

Create space for contemplation:

Our minds are the first place that we create our reality. No matter how busy you are or what you have going on, you must make space every day to contemplate three things:

1. Who have I been?

2. Who am I now?

3. Who am I becoming?

It's as easy as sitting down for five minutes without technology, without a notebook, without any outside distractions, and simply answering this question,

Who would I like to be today, and what characteristics do I need to exhibit to accomplish that?

Get Dressed

Just like you go into your closet every day and choose what clothes to wear, also consider making that a place where you decide what version of yourself you will "put on."

Every morning when I walk into my closet to choose what I'm going to wear, I also make a conscious choice to put on a specific characteristic.

Today, I will be ______. 

Not deciding upfront is equivalent to leaving your house before you put on your clothes. 

This practice reminds me of the person I am actively choosing to be.

Sometimes, I spilled something on my nice clean shirt and ruin my outfit. When that happens, I take a moment to mourn the mistake, clean it up the best I can, and then move on.

I do the same thing when I mess up one of the characteristics that I've chosen to put on for the day. When I am unloving or unkind or inpatient, I clean it up to the best of my ability, apologize for it. Then, I move on. 

Tomorrow, I get a new opportunity to put on fresh clothes and fresh characteristics and try again.

Connect mind, body, and spirit, every day.

It seems as if we never turn our minds off. There's a constant barrage of notifications, obligations, thoughts, and fears tumbling through our minds like a load a wet laundry in the dryer.

When was the last time you can remember deliberately turning "it" off?

I found one of the things that give me the most momentum is making sure that I am focusing on the things that help me keep my mind sharp.

A few ways you might consider doing the same is finding 5 to 10 minutes every day to stretch or move your body somehow.

Depending on your health and how much physical activity you're used to, that may mean a long run, a short walk, or just standing more than you sit.

It doesn't matter where you start; what matters is that you start.

And when (not if) you mess up, notice it, adjust, and start again.

Take care of your spirit.

Prayer, meditation, spending time with someone you love, or doing something you enjoy can all be ways to take care of yourself.

This isn't about going to church (though it could be); it's finding opportunities to refresh and rejuvenate the deepest parts of who you are.

For me, some of those things include paddle boarding, skateboarding, quiet contemplation, and spending time with my wife, Merideth.

The things that rejuvenate you may be completely different. An excellent place to determine what those are is in your time of quiet contemplation.

So, don't just be a victim of your circumstances being tossed around like a sea ship.

Plan, decide, then act.

You are the captain of your ship. You can create your own momentum. And when you feel like life gets to be too much, remember,

Sometimes, God calms the storm. And sometimes, God calms the sailor.

Don't ride the wave, be the wave. 

"Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie" -Author unknown

This might hurt. 

Everything you've ever heard about your comfort zone may have been a lie. 

They didn't lie on purpose. Nonetheless, it was a lie. 

Their advice has always been, get out of your comfort zone. 

But why? It's uncomfortable, scary, and dangerous. And to top it off, we never perform well when we are uncomfortable. 

When we are uncomfortable, we are not at our best. Unless, of course, we're being chased by a bear. In that case, we run faster, jump higher, and climb with the skill of a coked-up squirrel. I don't know about you. That's not how I want to live my life. On high alert, all the time and feeling like fight or flight is my normal emotional state. 

We all want to enjoy life, and if we spend all of our time outside our comfort zone, how will we ever find peace?

Let the squirrels keep the coke, give me contentment.

A professional athlete is more likely to hit the game-winning shot when they are in "the zone." 

What if "The zone" was a shortened way to say, "comfort zone?"  

A musician will only get a standing ovation if they are first comfortable with the set before the concert starts. 

A speaker will give a high impact presentation only if they are comfortable in front of the audience. 

And you will only perform at your best in life if you are more comfortable than uncomfortable. 

a different perspective: 

Imagine what would happen if you didn't sleep for the next seven days. Sounds terrible, right? We can agree that your relationships would suffer, your immune system would be jeopardized, and your work would be incoherent. Nothing positive would come from you staying up for a week straight. 

The same is true with staying outside your comfort zone for long periods. 

Like your bed, your comfort zone is a place where you are safe—a place where you can relax, rejuvenate, and recharge. Without the safety of your bed, you would be a wreck. 

If we want growth, we shouldn't be so focused on getting outside our comfort zone as we are focused on expanding it. The purpose is to create more space where we can be comfortable. 

Where would you want to live? In a mansion or a hole in the ground? 

In the hole, you are only comfortable and protected in your confined space. In the mansion, you have lots of room to move around. You can lounge in different rooms, do different things, and be really comfortable. 

Let's make a mansion out of our comfort zone and not settle for a hole in the ground.

How to make a Lions, Sharks, & Eagles harmless:

The shark is most deadly when it is comfortable in the water. The lion is most deadly when it's comfortable on the ground. An eagle is most dangerous when it's comfortable in the air.

If you put a shark in the air, a lion in the water, or an eagle on the ground, they are much less effective.

Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its entire life believing that it is stupid. - Albert Einstein

The same is true with you and me. The question we must ask ourselves is, where can I be most effective?

Once we know the answer to this question, we can begin to gain confidence and build skills to become more comfortable in our talent areas. Over time, we create a competitive advantage as we stretch our comfort zone. 

You might be wondering, so how do I stretch my comfort zone? So glad you asked.

The trouble with confidence is that you can't just choose to be confident.

People decide that they're going to be confident at best are arrogant and, at worst, delusional.

It's like a person who stands outside of the batting cages and watches other batters practicing. He can tell the difference between a good swing in a lousy swing, good contact in bed contact, and good and bad form. But the truth is, this gives him knowledge, not confidence. And if he assumes that his knowledge gives him the right to be confident, he is in for a rude awakening. Because the moment he steps in the batting cage and places his hands on the bat, he will quickly realize that knowing how to do something and doing it are two very different things.

We can't choose to be confident. We can choose to have courage.

Small acts of courage that cause us to press against the edges of our comfort zone are the thing that will most effectively help us to earn the right to be confident through Demonstration and lived experience.

So the question is, what small act of courage could you take today that will stretch your comfort zone just a little bit more.

If we are willing to do this over time, we will find that our comfort zone will grow and grow and grow until one day we wake up in our comfort zone mansion.